The comfort in sadness
The familiar pain in sadness
Sadness to me is the pain of being alone, the pain of having a downward spiral of stairs that you can never climb.
But the thing is, you have been at your lowest for so long that you have found comfort in it. Downward that spiral, there is a big orange sofa where you can sit and watch friends. But please watch the office. Office >>>.
But you end up watching friends because that is comfortable, and it's better to stay here, curled up inside this cave of comfort than to find solutions to your actual problems.
It's better to be with pain you are familiar with than to have a gram of unfamiliar happiness.
Sadness is easy. It comes to you. It only takes a second to become sad, to start looking at the dark side of things.
You have become too comfortable in your sadness, in your pain, and it's been so long since you tried something to make you happy, you have forgotten what being happy feels like.
All you have is memories of you being happy, and you try to recreate them, by finding new friends, by doing the same old thing you used to do. But all you find is glimpses of happiness, glimpses of the people in your past, their personalities, their smiles, their insecurities in the new people you meet.
All the good old memories have faded towards the top of the staircase, and you are left down, with nothing but sad songs and a thiccc wall of that's what she said jokes around you.
But is it a bad thing to get glimpses of happiness?
Isn't it better that way?
Just because you have been at the downward end of the staircase for too long, don't you deserve a chance at being happy?
Don't you deserve your stairway to heaven?
Fuck yeah, you do.
According to me, every year leads to something or something you accomplished. Last year for me was a year of burnout and relationships. The year before that was peak hegde-coding man. I kept thinking about what this year would mean to me.
After careful consideration, I would like to say, I don't know.
But the good news is, it's in my control to find that out.
Only after you've reached your destination, you will know what path you took.
No one will spoon-feed me and tell me what I have to do. I must become my spoon and feed myself. If that makes sense. It's scary, that we are truly alone in this world, that you have to do all of it on your own.
Then you do it.
You realise you did do it, you did all of it on your own. You are in control of what you experience.
Now climb that stairway.
Heart-to-Heart with Alok :
I don't know why I said all this, maybe to motivate myself.
Maybe because I am writing this at 3 in the morning and am holding more than I can carry, and this is a good outlet.
Maybe.
I feel like I've been burnt out since the end of the board exams, and I have had no goals since then.
I feel like a large cloud just moving slowly, nothing to reach. It feels like I don’t know who I am anymore, what my goal is for right now.
I feel like a compass, broken by harsh winds and strong magnetic rocks of board exams and chest pains. It feels like I've taken a backseat, and am just moving forward towards nothing.
But I want to stop feeling this way. I want to take back control.
I don't want to have any goals. It's easier to just live and not care what happens. I don’t want that.
It's gotten to the point that, putting effort into something I care about, is genuinely hard for me. It scares me that it won't work out, because it didn't in the past. It makes me stop myself from giving my 100 per cent.
It makes me give just 65 per cent (6.5cgpa ) of my potential.
But no more. I'm done living like this. I will be better. I am a confident man with great potential to prove. I can do this and your mum(consensually). Less go.
Thank you and have a nice day.
